I hate meeting new people.

There. I said it.

But before you usher me into ‘loner’s lair’ with all the other snaggle-toothed crones, it’s not that I don’t enjoy making new friends. It’s just there’s an obvious difference between friends and ‘people’, and the clandestine equation of converting one into the other is something I’m yet to solve.

I envy the ease of these so-called “social butterflies”.    I’m the social equivalent of a wounded pelican: although I know interaction with kind strangers may help heal my social retardations, stubbornly I flap into the distance as they approach, frightened they’ll take advantage of my vulnerable state.

So as you can see, the decision to uproot myself from all familiar faces and move from Brisbane to enrol in a journalism degree last year was natural. But now, unable to avoid meeting new people in the epicentre of newness that is UTS, I’ve decided to share with you the observations I’ve made whilst lurking behind my copy of ‘making friends for snaggle-toothed dummies’ in the deepest corners of tutorials. It would appear from my surveillance that there seems to be a collection of fail-safe steps to follow when overcoming what I like to call ‘stranger danger’. And here they are, hot from the pelican’s mouth:

Employ enthusiasm to the point of hysteria about everything that they do. Your first few conversations are solely for illustrating to them just how shrill and high pitched your voice can be. This will impress a potential ally with your ability to attract help if the two of you are ever subjected to an on-campus mugging. For example:
Potential Companion: Hey *your name*
You: (Remember: Shrill or nil, it’s go time!) HEYYYYYYY!!! Wow… I LOVE your new *insert first item of clothing your eye catches here. If possible, mention the thing you secretly hate – they’ve taken a risk wearing that bizarre tribal headpiece, and friends should always be supportive.*

Next, make sure you laugh at anything and everything they say. They are the new god of humour. For example:
Potential Companion: God I could use a coffee.
You: BAAHAHAHA! YES!! It’s funny because this tutorial is BORING! And you need to rouse yourself! I made the connection! OMFG LMAO ROFL LOL!!!! You’re the new Russell Brand!!!!!

Your initial conversation MUST include the questions: What are you studying? Where do you live? What other subjects are you doing? How many days a week are you at uni? Odds are they’ll never have been asked such highly original and thought provoking questions before, leaving you to bask in the splendour of their deep awe of your perceptive nature.

And finally, the unspoken rule of uni friendships; If they sit with you once – congratulations. You’ve just won yourself a non-refundable golden ticket to BFF town! Now run Charlie! Run home! From now on, arrive first to all tutorials and make sure to place your belongings on the table next to you to ‘save’ it for your newfound chum. Then, as soon as they walk in, gesticulate wildly until they notice you.   After all, everyone knows that once you’ve sat with someone once, you can’t very well prance off to try your luck with someone else at the next tutorial. What are you, some kind of common whore? (Ask them that.)

Got all that? Bravo. Leave uni now, I’ve just taught you all you need to know. But don’t thank me, my indebted pupil.  Just promise that if for some unlikely reason you’re not playing Danny Zuko to the T-Birds of your tute within days, you’ll come sit with me? I’ll be up the back. Just listen for the haunting whimpers of forlorn loneliness.

Related posts:

1. Little People in the City